What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
