remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
