my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
