you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
