shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
