Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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