she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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