so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
