I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
