Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
