just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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