Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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