Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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