I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
