He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
