Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
