Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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