I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
