I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
