Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
