I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
