grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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