if you like me you must not know who I am
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
