we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i think my cat just said my name.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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