so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
