I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
