I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he fucked my hip out of place.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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