So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
