all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
