I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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