So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
