I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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