so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize