According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
