hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
