She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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