After last night, I could never be a politician.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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