I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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