Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
