Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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