So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize