Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
