As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
