12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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