from now on my penis is your penis
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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