omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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