Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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