I got chris browned last night
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
she smelled like a LAN party
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
