my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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