OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
