My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize