I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
be right there i have to get my cape
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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