24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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