I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
