I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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