best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
