hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
