my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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