New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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