If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
