Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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