did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
