I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
